Baby David

Here I am trying to find words, when in reality there really are none. But as a form of healing and processing my grief, I want to share our story.

On March 10, our dreams of being parents and welcoming a baby boy into our family were taken away. I went to a routine baby check up (27 weeks), only to find that there was no heartbeat. Our sweet baby had passed away inside me, and I hadn't even known. The next 72 hours were a blur as I was admitted to the hospital and gave birth to our baby boy, David Holtan Hopper. And then we had to say good-bye.

We left the hospital with empty arms and a new reality: that our lives would forever be changed, but not in the joyful happy way we were hoping.

It's still new and completely unbelievable, but it is my reality. I am still healing physically from giving birth, getting 2 epidurals that caused a spinal headache (thank goodness that is mostly resolved). But everyday I feel more and more like myself. But a changed self. One that has carried a baby, given birth, but not given the chance to be a mom beyond that, to snuggle my newborn infant, and take my new baby home to be a part of our lives. I know as time passes, life will get easier. As we head into the spring season here at the nursery, we are navigating each day as best as we know how, knowing the next few months are going to be nothing like we pictured them a few weeks before. But our only choice is to accept our new reality, and take each day one at a time.

Baby David, you will be forever missed.