This title has sat empty in my drafts since March 5.

I want so badly to fill this blog post with tips and tricks on how I manage (or attempt to manage) my anxiety.

But I think that comes later.

First, the truth.

I have anxiety.

As I dig deeper into me, my moods, my reactions, my behaviors and habits, it seems so clear now. I’ve struggled with this for a long time, but have never had a name for it.

I have hurts from my past that I didn’t know how to deal with (still learning this!) and chose to numb with alcohol and food. I recognize this, and the more I dig, the more I see this numbing pattern.

My anxiety isn’t debilitating. Not directly anyways. But it does eat away at my relationships, a little at time, and silently. My mind runs rampant with made up stories, and the more I ruminate on them, the more dramatic and made up they become, until I’ve convinced myself of a different reality. That new reality often puts me as the victim or the one who is wronged, and everyone and everything is out to make my life harder.

The thing is, while this is happening in my mind, on the outside I appear to be okay. My kids are taken care of. I’m still married, and appear to be doing that happily. I can put on real clothes and make up and make myself look presentable if I want to. I can even socialize if needed. (even though I don’t want to).

That’s why anxiety is tricky. Its hard to see, hard to recognize when you’re the one wrestling with it.

It’s also completely normal and okay to admit that you have anxiety, and I believe it looks and feels different for everyone.

I’m choosing to feel my anxiety, and I am using better coping strategies than booze and junk food to calm my anxieties. But every day I’m a work in progress. Everyday I learn something new about myself that helps me be better.

Everyday I’m trying my best.