A practice of sitting with my feelings

The words just poured out of me this morning. Raw and unedited, here they are.

Last night was a practice of sitting with my feelings, instead of berating myself for having them and then trying to change them. I am so quick to peg my anxiety as wrong and something that needs to be fixed. What if instead of shaming myself for feeling anxious, I got curious about it instead? What’s really making me feel off?? 

While I don’t want anxiety, I’m recognizing now that often the anxiety comes when my brain simply cannot handle any more. I’ve consumed all day long. I’ve been on my phone, I’ve received and answered texts all day. I’ve watched tv. I’ve read and responded to all the emails. I’ve been on instagram and taken in all the messages there. My brain is tapped out. And then, one thing that isn’t in my plan (like my kid getting sick) throws me into a spiral of anxiety about what that will mean for us in the next few days (I won’t be able to take my birthday trip!) My brain was on edge and one piece of information just tips it over. 

I am aware of this cart before the horse thinking, and it’s my default. But why? How is it serving me? What am I getting from making up all these what if scenarios in my head? I’m getting more anxiety and uncertainty and unease.

What if, instead of trying to “fix it” or even “change my thoughts” I just focused on grounding myself in the present moment and getting curious about what is. What do I know about the situation? What is the truth right now? 

Truth is I’m anxious. 😂 but its my choice to decide what to do with that anxiety. And I’m practicing not doing anything with it, just letting it be. Soon, it won’t want to hang around because it will be bored, because I’m not throwing gasoline on it and making it burst into flames. Instead I’m just casually walking by it, maybe roasting a few marshmallows over it, and letting it be.

Ugh. This growing and evolving stuff is hard, but I know the work is worth it.