Here’s our stinky little skunk man on his first Halloween.
Today marks 37 weeks.
We are so, so close.
I have so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings, but mostly the anticipation and excitement wins over all of it. In 2, maybe 3 weeks, we will have a baby joining us (and maybe before!)
I taught my last yoga class a couple weeks ago, at 35 weeks. I feel so fortunate that I was able to keep teaching yoga throughout my pregnancy. And this week, I went to class, and plan to go each week until this baby makes his/her debut! Yoga has so many benefits, both physical and mental and especially for my stretched and bulky body, and my anxious and nervous mind!
We are up to once a week doctor appointments and have had extra testing (non stress and ultrasounds) every week to make sure baby is still doing okay! And so far, so good! I am ready to be done with weekly appointments, but I know it is temporary, and worth it.
I love this photo of the front of the baby's face. The ultrasound was showing chubby cheeks and hair. :)
I was so fortunate to have our friend Jami drive up from Des Moines to spend the afternoon with me on Tuesday, snapping photos of my belly. I have only seen a few of her shots so far, but I know I am going to be so grateful that she documented this time.
It is a time of waiting. We are resting, and sleeping in (while we still can) and enjoying our time just the three of us (Lena is ready to be a big sister too!)
The outpouring of love for this sweet baby has been overwhelming (in a good way) and so, so appreciated.
Have a Merry Christmas everyone!
I find myself setting expectations, or thinking there are expectations about how to grieve, when really there aren't. I think that's part of the grief process.
One thing I have struggled with is how to honor the life of our first son. It was far too short, but he deserves nothing but love. For a long time, I thought we needed to do some kind of ceremony or gathering, much like a funeral to commemorate his life.
We decided to cremate his tiny little perfect body. It was a decision I did not think twice about. At the time, I thought we would gather our family together and perhaps bury or spread his ashes. But whenever I thought about doing this, I had this feeling that it wouldn't feel right. I was thinking I needed to schedule something like this because that's what our family and friend's were expecting. Turns out, they aren't expecting anything. Just for us to do what's right for us.
We haven't done anything "formal" to honor Baby David. But we have done things in our own way to comfort ourselves and remind us of his huge impact everyday.
One of the first things we did was get tattoos. It felt like a physical way to keep him with us everyday.
Last year, we planted a yellow yumi peony at the end of a row of peonies in our backyard.
These peonies (below) are extra special to Dave and I because his Grandpa planted them many years ago. On one end of the row is an old cedar tree (also planted by his grandpa) and on the other now is David's yellow peony, among a row of pinks, magentas, and whites.
It was so special this June when it bloomed.
We also went on a canoe trip down a river on his due date, June 8. It was our way of finding some peace on a very difficult day. We spent the day just the 2 of us, a lot it in silence, just taking in all that nature had to offer.
And on his birthday this year, 3/11/16 Dave and I went to the Red Geranium and picked out a houseplant that we have in our living room. Everytime I look at it, and know that it's thriving, I'm given a sense of peace.
Grief is a crazy thing. It sometimes makes you think things that aren't true. I'm glad we have done things our own way. These things have provided me comfort and reminded me that you just have to always do what's right for you.
We made it.
This is the moment in my pregnancy where I breathe a sigh of relief.
We had a doctor's appointment last week, at 27 weeks.
It was a year and a half ago where we went to the same appointment, at 27 weeks, with David, where I drank that delicious orange drink in preparation for my glucose screen, and then was given the worst news of my life.
But this 27 week appointment was different. I left the clinic on cloud nine. The baby's heart beat is strong. His/her head is measuring at 29 weeks (yikes!) and everything else is measuring right where it should. At 27+ weeks.
I've been waiting for this. I needed this appointment to go well. I needed this pregnancy to go well.
And so far, so good!
I had a minor set back and had to go in for the 4 hour glucose screen, but good news, I passed!
I'm starting to expand around the middle. I'm feeling WAY more movement and I LOVE IT. I love every minute of it.
I'm still craving sweettarts, but definitely finding more ways to get those delicious seasonal root vegetables and greens into my diet.
I'm not worried about my weight, I'm staying active, doing yoga 2-3 times/week and I'm still spinning (although I'm nearing the end of this) once/week.
We are allowing ourselves to envision what our lives are going to be like in January. It's going to be here so soon!
And I'm letting myself get excited. Knowing nothing is guaranteed, but also knowing things are different.
I can't wait to meet this little nugget.
i'm so excited to officially announce, we are expecting our rainbow baby in january!
the term rainbow baby is used a lot in the "baby loss community" to describe the baby that follows the loss of a child.
we miss baby david every single day. being pregnant with my second child has brought a lot of feelings and emotions, but mostly, i'm just so darn grateful.
grateful that my body was able to support another pregnancy.
grateful that we have made it this far.
grateful that i get to experience pregnancy again, this time hoping for a more positive outcome.
grateful that we WILL get to meet this little life.
grateful for my whole journey: the excitement, the heart ache, the anxiety, the grief, and the hope; every last bit of it.
this journey is certainly bittersweet.