I find myself setting expectations, or thinking there are expectations about how to grieve, when really there aren't. I think that's part of the grief process.
One thing I have struggled with is how to honor the life of our first son. It was far too short, but he deserves nothing but love. For a long time, I thought we needed to do some kind of ceremony or gathering, much like a funeral to commemorate his life.
We decided to cremate his tiny little perfect body. It was a decision I did not think twice about. At the time, I thought we would gather our family together and perhaps bury or spread his ashes. But whenever I thought about doing this, I had this feeling that it wouldn't feel right. I was thinking I needed to schedule something like this because that's what our family and friend's were expecting. Turns out, they aren't expecting anything. Just for us to do what's right for us.
We haven't done anything "formal" to honor Baby David. But we have done things in our own way to comfort ourselves and remind us of his huge impact everyday.
One of the first things we did was get tattoos. It felt like a physical way to keep him with us everyday.
Last year, we planted a yellow yumi peony at the end of a row of peonies in our backyard.
These peonies (below) are extra special to Dave and I because his Grandpa planted them many years ago. On one end of the row is an old cedar tree (also planted by his grandpa) and on the other now is David's yellow peony, among a row of pinks, magentas, and whites.
It was so special this June when it bloomed.
We also went on a canoe trip down a river on his due date, June 8. It was our way of finding some peace on a very difficult day. We spent the day just the 2 of us, a lot it in silence, just taking in all that nature had to offer.
And on his birthday this year, 3/11/16 Dave and I went to the Red Geranium and picked out a houseplant that we have in our living room. Everytime I look at it, and know that it's thriving, I'm given a sense of peace.
Grief is a crazy thing. It sometimes makes you think things that aren't true. I'm glad we have done things our own way. These things have provided me comfort and reminded me that you just have to always do what's right for you.