I find my internal dialogue telling myself a lot of "supposed tos." "You were supposed to have a newborn baby right now."
"Things were supposed to be different."
"He wasn't supposed to die."
"We are supposed to be a family of 3."
What I'm finding is that this supposed to languange isn't serving me. It's just making me feel bad. The suppposed tos come from the anticipation and expectation we had when we were pregnant, and they are coming back to haunt me in my tragedy, now that everything is different than it was supposed to be.
I want to change that language. Man, how I wish things were different. With every ounce of my being and every last bit of energy I have, I wish things were different. But they aren't. This is the way things are. In a way I'm comparing what was supposed to be and what is now, and I can't really say that making that comparison is fair, or getting me anywhere. It's not about what was supposed to be.
It's about what was.
And what is.
And what will be.
And that's it.